Am I Reflecting Or Am I Just Moping?

Is it normal to feel so invisible to those that you thought were closest to you? Despite emails and messages, I haven't heard from my two closest friends for nearly two months now. And they are the two months that I really could have done with having them around.

I've just spent three years working my hardest at university for a lower second class degree and have come out of it dosed up to the eye balls on anti-depressants, no job, seemingly no close friends and struggling to make ends meet. I guess that is what the real world is. What a big slap in the face.

I guess the only thing that is really keeping me going at the moment is my kitten Melody. I am doing a great job at convincing myself that she is all the company I need but there are times like today that I know I need something more.

I can't say that I'm not enjoying living on my own, I am loving it. I just wish that I was closer to my friends. Even though I am close to my brother and sister, and I am looking after my little bro during the holidays, but them being so close has done nothing to even close the empty space inside my heart.

A stupid part of me thinks that this hole inside me will be closed by having a boy friend, but I know it isn't true. I've spent so many years telling myself that I don't need anyone and I don't need anyone to approve of what I am doing, but I do. I strive for my dad's approval, and I have pushed myself to do my best so that he would be proud of me. Part of me deep down knows that he is proud of me regardless, as long as I try my best, but the more dominant part of my brain has spent the years since high school convincing myself that I will never be good enough.

I still wonder what I have ever done to have been dealt such a depressing hand in life. But I know the depression is some chemical imbalance in my brain and a lot of people have it worse off that me. I just can't seem to get myself out of this funk that I have been stuck in for the past ten years or so. For the first time in six months I am actually clinging to my medication. I need it. I dread to think what I would be right like now without them.