Am I Reflecting Or Am I Just Moping?

Is it normal to feel so invisible to those that you thought were closest to you? Despite emails and messages, I haven't heard from my two closest friends for nearly two months now. And they are the two months that I really could have done with having them around.

I've just spent three years working my hardest at university for a lower second class degree and have come out of it dosed up to the eye balls on anti-depressants, no job, seemingly no close friends and struggling to make ends meet. I guess that is what the real world is. What a big slap in the face.

I guess the only thing that is really keeping me going at the moment is my kitten Melody. I am doing a great job at convincing myself that she is all the company I need but there are times like today that I know I need something more.

I can't say that I'm not enjoying living on my own, I am loving it. I just wish that I was closer to my friends. Even though I am close to my brother and sister, and I am looking after my little bro during the holidays, but them being so close has done nothing to even close the empty space inside my heart.

A stupid part of me thinks that this hole inside me will be closed by having a boy friend, but I know it isn't true. I've spent so many years telling myself that I don't need anyone and I don't need anyone to approve of what I am doing, but I do. I strive for my dad's approval, and I have pushed myself to do my best so that he would be proud of me. Part of me deep down knows that he is proud of me regardless, as long as I try my best, but the more dominant part of my brain has spent the years since high school convincing myself that I will never be good enough.

I still wonder what I have ever done to have been dealt such a depressing hand in life. But I know the depression is some chemical imbalance in my brain and a lot of people have it worse off that me. I just can't seem to get myself out of this funk that I have been stuck in for the past ten years or so. For the first time in six months I am actually clinging to my medication. I need it. I dread to think what I would be right like now without them.

AFI This Time Imperfect [I Heard A Voice]

This is my mental state trying to fix itself. If anyone actually reads this, yes I am breaking down. I have spent the past hour crying and trying to convince my sister I'm not suicidal. I'm not. Honest. I promised some good friends years ago that I wouldn't do anything stupid, and I haven't since. That's not to say I don't want to though.

I have never been so repulsed by my own reflection. I honeslty hate my appearance to the extent that I have used two of my jackets to cover my mirror. I haven't been able to cover it completely, but enough that I don't have to see my fat form when I'm sat at my computer trying to work.

It's hard to think that I'm going to graduate soon. Well that's if I manage to finish all my work. And I have nothing to show for it. All this work, stres, and all I will have at the end of it is a piece of paper. What a waste of time and money.

In a way it is fine to say I have nothing to show for the past three years, but I have nothing to show for the 21 years I have been alive. I always seem to be second best to the mother I try my best to please, I have never been in a serious relationship, all my 'friends' are in different time zones and I simply have no life. No life what so ever.

Most of these 'friends' hardly talk to me. They show no concern for my problems or try to help. I wonder why I really bother. But I guess trying to make myself believe that they are really good friends is helping me think that I have something to believe in, something to stick around for.

I know some people may read this and think that I am ungreatful for what I have, but I'm not. I know people have it worse. A lot worse.

Dear God

I think I may be suffering from some self inflicted curse. I start off by pushing everyone away, letting few people in. But there is always one exception. And then I fall hard. It always seems to be with the wrong people as well for a number of reasons. The two most popular are distance and the small fact that the other person is already in a relationship.

I just... I don't want to be on my own any more.

I know I have told myself time and time again that I'm not mentally okay to be with someone. Though part of me is now thinking that it is complete and utter bull shit.

There is a story I have read countless times called 'Definitions'. I am normally great at submerging myself into the alternative reality storys provide, but this one, it felt more real to me than any other story I have read before.

There is this one extract that I'm going to post here, just because it is the perfect way to show anyone how I am feeling, how I have felt, and how I believe I will continue to feel.

'There's a lot of things that are instilled in us from birth, but there's one that will always be man's downfall. The idea that there is one person who can complete you. It's all over the TV, the silver screen, books, in every day conversation. Your soul mate, or whatever word is popular for it this week. The point being, it is pretty much a given that this is the only goal you MUST achieve before you die, or otherwise you've failed. Your life, the most precious gift of all, according to some, has been a waste if one person at least hasn't been in love with you.

I've been told before, that I was loved, but every time was a lie, for they all left. And platonic love cannot replace the romantic kind, as much as we would like for it to sometimes. The truth is that I've never been loved. Completely. Fully. With abandon, with someone's entirety.

I've failed at the universe's most important task.

I know that love does not make one whole. It certainly didn't make me whole, but I tried. I'll always be flawed; I know that. But I loved anyway. Freely. Happily. Only to have it thrown back in my face. My most precious gift, some would say, and it was always returned, and never gift-wrapped. Always tattered. Always a mess.

I used to wonder why. Why was my love not important enough? Why was my love discarded so easily? And then it hit me. My love is just like I am; mundane. Ordinary. Nothing special, most certainly not a precious gift.

I wish it weren't so. More than anything, I wish I could be one of those people who are easy to fall in love with. But I'm not. Of course I'm not; how can I be that way when I'm not even worthy enough to see?

I'm addicted to the feeling of a new relationship. It's not something I actively pursue, but once it's there, there's nothing I enjoy more. I love the moment of getting to know someone. The rush I feel the first time you hold hands. Every time I hold someone's hand for the first time, I feel like I'm in middle school, relishing in this new and unfamiliar feeling of being desirable. Of someone wanting to be close to you. I love first kisses; the anticipation, the sweet relief, the neverending possibility of what the kiss was going to lead to you next. I love soft touches, adoring gazes, first compliments. There's nothing quite like it.

I miss it, horribly. I've been alone for a while now; I don't know if it's by choice yet or not. But I do miss it. Every day I long for a hug, to feel engulfed, to be held like I'm precious. Every day I long for a lingering gaze, a kind word, something...anything...that reminds me that I'm special to someone. I miss it in ways I can never express.

I miss the feel of hands on me. I miss the way someone holds you like you're going to float away if they let you go. I miss the feel of eyelashes blinking against my skin, miss the hunger in their eyes when they look at you, miss the way someone can breathe their secrets into your skin until you can feel them vibrating in your heart.

I miss being special, being adored so much, that if any of my exes walked back into my life, asking me to take them back, I would. It wouldn't matter to me how much they had hurt me, how broken I had felt when they left. I would take them back, because I want to be loved. I want to be adored. I would forgive their every slight, every mistake, every callous word and action, if it meant I didn't have to go to bed alone at night.

I might be meant to be alone, but I don't want to be. I find myself sometimes brushing my own hands against my skin, just to feel a touch. But touches are meaningless when there's no feeling, no love, behind it. So I lay in bed, clutching my blankets, clutching my pillow, clutching anything I can so I don't feel so alone. They're inanimate objects, but it's all I have. Really, I'm just...lonely.

I miss sex, I suppose, but I really miss love the most. The security, the comfort of knowing someone is there, someone is taking their time with you...no one takes time with me anymore. I don't know what the hell I'm trying to say. It's just so cold inside of me, and I'd give anything right now to be warm.'

There is another few sentences in the story that have stuck with me since the first time I read it.

'I am the name that dies on everyone's lips when someone brighter, more beautiful walks in the room. Just a flash of recognition, the faintest impression made like footprints in the sand. Easily washed away when a more powerful force washes ashore.'

I wish I could see my life changing how this characters does in the story. The character grows so much, starts to fight back when people try to put him down, and at the end, he finds love. I just wish I could find it, but apparently I am repulsive enough for people to not want to know, but not repulsive enough to not have friends.

I just wish life were simple.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzX0rhF8buo