Salt In My Wounds

This weekend has been hell. I knew it would, I just didn't think it would be this bad. I spent most of Saturday night crying, alone, and wishing that I had never gone home for the weekend.

For the past 15 months or so, since my mum and step dad split, my mum has brought home countless men. I wouldn't mind this if it wasn't in front of my 6 year old brother who she hardly does anything with. It hurt so much in the beginning when I told her how I felt about her doing this and she accused me of not wanting her to be happy. At the time it was so far from the truth. Though now, if saying that makes her be an actual mother to my little bro, I would say it... that is if I could stand talking to her.

She asked myself and my sister home for the weekend. I can't say I wanted to, but it would be the last time I would go before lectures start. We were going out for a meal in a pub. After we got there and ordered our drinks, she fucked off to chat up some guy. Not saying more than two words to either of us. When we went upstairs to have our meal, she brought him up with her, not asking, nothing.

I walked out. She just pushed it too far.

I think I left any sort of love and respect for her in the pub that night. I was planning on grabbing my stuff from her house and then walking to the train station, regardless of the 3 hour wait I would have for a train. I just couldn't be there any more. My sister told me not to and that she would give me a life once they were done. I still don't know how she managed to sit there with her.

The next morning I had a message from my mum asking what had gotten into me the night before. No concern as to where I was or if I was safe, just what had gotten into me.

I haven't replied to any of her messages, or called when she has asked me to. I can't. She is even trying to get my sister to get me to call her. Does she not know that all this 'caring' behaviour is just adding salt to my wounds? It is too late for all that bull shit. Way too late.

Sunday morning I woke up numb. I guess I still am for the most part, though when she tried to contact me this morning, I cried. Not because of her, but because of my little brother. He means the world to me and I don't know how I am going to be able to see him without seeing her. I can't even stand the thought of talking to her, so you can probably guess that the thought of actually seeing her repulses me right now.

I guess in a way, I lost my mum a long time ago, it's only now that I am realising it. And to tell you the truth, it hurts like hell.

I Fell Like A Yo-Yo

It is strange. For the past few days I have been going from fantastic mood to foul mood as quick as a light switch.

So many good things have happened since my last post that I shouldn't really have any reason to be in a foul mood. But a certian house mate makes any sort of good mood vanish.

I don't really know why I bother any more. It has been like this since we met, and I have a feeling that this will continue until we part ways once university is over. I hate it cause when ever she gets to me any sort of creativity, such as my writing, just goes to pot. A lot of my writers block last year was down to her, the rest of it down to my own mental state.

Though saying that, it has me thinking. Is my inability to be comfortable around people, and my own social awkwardness my own fault?

I know I live in my head a lot, and I mean a lot and there are too many time for me to recall where I wished that the move to what ever world I was living in could be made permanent. But I feel so much safer there. In my own world where I am everything I want to be, I am with who I want to be, and most of all I am happy with who I am. Even now I wish I could move into my head forever.

I know I have the potential to be all these things, but the truth is I simply don't have the guts to go for it. I'm too scared to take those risks and to live through the rejection that I am bound to face. I mean, everyone is supposed to have this potential, it is just whether they have the guts to go for it, to reach that little bit further, even if it means they may fall out of the box society put them in.

There is this story I am in love with. It is all about these two people fighting to become the people they have the potential to be, to completely redefine themselves. There is this one character in the story I have a big connection with, but in the story they have the strengh to fight. I don't know if I have that fight any more... if I ever had it to begin with.

I guess this is where my hatrid of happy endings has come from, the fear that I wont get my own. I know I have said to a lot of people that I don't care that I am on my own and don't get on with my family. But deep down I do, I care a lot. I feel certian things too much and I wish I didn't.

I'm going to stop my ramblings now, as that is really what this has become. Heck, I'm even making myself depressed, and I didn't think that was possible. Can a depressed person become even more depressed?

A bad start to freshers week

Is respect such a hard thing to understand? I mean really, it isn't that hard.

I have had my concerns about the house I am living in this year at uni pretty much since we signed the tennancy agreement. So not a great start. Since then it has been one knock after another with the house mates (who will remain nameless).

I feel so unwanted.

Last night we went out for a meal at a pub. They know that pubs make me feel uncomfortable, all the smoking and drinking, but I guess my edge is too much for them to understand. So I came home early. This isn't the first time I have left them at a pub, and I am sure it wont be the last.

So they both came in making so much noise, it was unreal. I mean, I can understand them making some noise, but the fact that they made enough noise to wake me up, and keep me up was just too much. I honestly wish my room was sound proof!

What gets me though, is if they were out late one night, and the next morning I was making a lot of noise, they would complain like hell! But the second I ask them to keep the noise down they get all pissy about it.

The unwanted feeling came back again today when I went to get my washing out of the machine. Both of them were downstairs, laughing and joking and then they both went silent when I went down stair. They were silent whilst I was down there and then the laughing and joking continued the secong my bedroom door closed.

I have no hopes for this year at uni, none what so ever. I just want uni to hurry up and start so it can finish. I'm just glad I am filling up as much of my free time as I can.