It is strange. For the past few days I have been going from fantastic mood to foul mood as quick as a light switch.
So many good things have happened since my last post that I shouldn't really have any reason to be in a foul mood. But a certian house mate makes any sort of good mood vanish.
I don't really know why I bother any more. It has been like this since we met, and I have a feeling that this will continue until we part ways once university is over. I hate it cause when ever she gets to me any sort of creativity, such as my writing, just goes to pot. A lot of my writers block last year was down to her, the rest of it down to my own mental state.
Though saying that, it has me thinking. Is my inability to be comfortable around people, and my own social awkwardness my own fault?
I know I live in my head a lot, and I mean a lot and there are too many time for me to recall where I wished that the move to what ever world I was living in could be made permanent. But I feel so much safer there. In my own world where I am everything I want to be, I am with who I want to be, and most of all I am happy with who I am. Even now I wish I could move into my head forever.
I know I have the potential to be all these things, but the truth is I simply don't have the guts to go for it. I'm too scared to take those risks and to live through the rejection that I am bound to face. I mean, everyone is supposed to have this potential, it is just whether they have the guts to go for it, to reach that little bit further, even if it means they may fall out of the box society put them in.
There is this story I am in love with. It is all about these two people fighting to become the people they have the potential to be, to completely redefine themselves. There is this one character in the story I have a big connection with, but in the story they have the strengh to fight. I don't know if I have that fight any more... if I ever had it to begin with.
I guess this is where my hatrid of happy endings has come from, the fear that I wont get my own. I know I have said to a lot of people that I don't care that I am on my own and don't get on with my family. But deep down I do, I care a lot. I feel certian things too much and I wish I didn't.
I'm going to stop my ramblings now, as that is really what this has become. Heck, I'm even making myself depressed, and I didn't think that was possible. Can a depressed person become even more depressed?
So many good things have happened since my last post that I shouldn't really have any reason to be in a foul mood. But a certian house mate makes any sort of good mood vanish.
I don't really know why I bother any more. It has been like this since we met, and I have a feeling that this will continue until we part ways once university is over. I hate it cause when ever she gets to me any sort of creativity, such as my writing, just goes to pot. A lot of my writers block last year was down to her, the rest of it down to my own mental state.
Though saying that, it has me thinking. Is my inability to be comfortable around people, and my own social awkwardness my own fault?
I know I live in my head a lot, and I mean a lot and there are too many time for me to recall where I wished that the move to what ever world I was living in could be made permanent. But I feel so much safer there. In my own world where I am everything I want to be, I am with who I want to be, and most of all I am happy with who I am. Even now I wish I could move into my head forever.
I know I have the potential to be all these things, but the truth is I simply don't have the guts to go for it. I'm too scared to take those risks and to live through the rejection that I am bound to face. I mean, everyone is supposed to have this potential, it is just whether they have the guts to go for it, to reach that little bit further, even if it means they may fall out of the box society put them in.
There is this story I am in love with. It is all about these two people fighting to become the people they have the potential to be, to completely redefine themselves. There is this one character in the story I have a big connection with, but in the story they have the strengh to fight. I don't know if I have that fight any more... if I ever had it to begin with.
I guess this is where my hatrid of happy endings has come from, the fear that I wont get my own. I know I have said to a lot of people that I don't care that I am on my own and don't get on with my family. But deep down I do, I care a lot. I feel certian things too much and I wish I didn't.
I'm going to stop my ramblings now, as that is really what this has become. Heck, I'm even making myself depressed, and I didn't think that was possible. Can a depressed person become even more depressed?
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